Lou’s View

By Lou Bernard

Would you go to a doctor who said, ”This tumor may be cancerous, but it could also be caused by leprechauns. I’ll check into both”?

Would you hire an electrician who, without entering the house, said, ”I have a mysterious feeling that your outlet is clogged by mystic forces”?

Of course you wouldn’t, unless you are an idiot. Nobody wants help from someone who demonstrates that kind of foolishness. And yet, on the level of paranormal investigation, people do exactly that, all the time.
To some extent, I blame pop culture. TV and movies have thrown so many garbage concepts into the mix that most people don’t really know how to tell a good ghost hunter from a bad one. Fortunately for you, you are a reader of my column, and I am here to help.

Right out the starting gate, I’m gonna rule out the psychics. Responsible paranormal investigation is all about the proof, and psychics aren’t known for offering that. If you have someone making vague statements like “Ten people died in this house” but not giving any evidence, you don’t want that person.

Okay, so your next line is, ”But she told me things she couldn’t possibly have known!” Of course she did. They always do, otherwise you wouldn’t be persuaded. But let me ask you this—Do you have a Facebook? Did they tell you information you have online? Did they actually tell you your dead grandfather’s name, or did they say something like, ”I’m getting the letter R” and wait for you to respond, ”My grandfather’s name was Robert!”

Yeah, I thought so. The so-called psychics have a lot of little tricks to convince people.

Another thing you want to avoid is the publicity hounds. Are you dealing with a team that bought monogrammed T-shirts before they bought any equipment? Is there a lot of talk of eventually scoring a TV show? You don’t want those, either.

Here’s my rule: If you’re dramatic enough to be on TV, you’re not scientific enough to be doing it properly. If someone filmed me doing an investigation, nobody would watch it, because it mostly involves looking at old documents and sitting in a dark room holding a camera. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Ellen Pompeo can’t really do surgery, and Grant Gustin isn’t all that fast. TV is not a good indicator of paranormal investigation.

You also don’t want someone who takes too much on assumption, or lets their imagination run away with them.

On a scientific level, here’s the thing: First you prove, then you learn, then you categorize. Biologists could not, for instance, start sorting whales into different types until they could prove whales existed. So I am always a little suspicious of anyone who says, ”Well, sounds like you have two demons, a poltergeist, and a Class-B wraith.” We can’t sort ghosts into categories until we can prove they exist, so those people are really getting ahead of themselves.

So, since I’ve spent about five hundred words telling you who to rule out, let me tell you more about who to actually use for your paranormal investigation. You’re going to want someone who has proof. If they tell you someone died in your house, and they can show an old obituary, that’s a good sign. If they show up using cameras and digital recorders, instead of walking around with no equipment and telling you what they feel, that’s also a good sign. You want someone who acts professionally, and will prove what they say.

That’s the key to a good paranormal investigator: The proof. After all, as odd as it sounds, a good ghost hunter isn’t looking for ghosts. They’re looking for answers.